Jolly old Santa Claus used his in with the Man upstairs when he granted a terminally ill boy’s one Christmas wish. When the child told Santa all he wanted for Christmas was peace on earth, the kindly do-gooder intuitively knew where to begin to achieve this objective and asked, “How about if I get rid of all the sport hunters?” This pleased the boy, so Santa (who has a soft spot for the innocents, like children and animals) put a finger to the side of his nose and sent the hunters straight to Hell.

So if the days seem quieter and the nights more peaceful now, be sure to thanks Santa Claus by setting out an extra glass of hemp milk and plenty of vegan cookies.

And any of you budding young “sportsmen” who got a new hunting rifle, Duck Dynasty tee shirt or entry into the Salmon, ID Youth Wolf and Coyote Derby for Christmas can thank your fathers when you catch up with them in Hell.

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(This has been another installment in EtBG’s “Headlines We’d Like to See.”)