Satire, by Jim Robertson (with a nod to the late Cleveland Amory, author of Mankind?: Our Incredible War on Wildlife and founder of the Hunt the Hunters
Hunt Club):
In a comment on one of the many tragic hunting accidents I’ve blogged about lately, a gentle reader mentioned there should be a hunt the hunters hunting season, to which another compassionate soul replied, “I’d contribute to that.”
We’ve all heard (ad nauseam) hunters boast that their license fees pay for wildlife programs, implying that it entitles them to kill the subjects of their alleged generosity—of course hunters don’t contribute out of the kindness of their hearts or their profound love for living animals. This got me to thinking we need a non-hunter license and tag system that emulates hunter tags, to finally put to rest this notion that hunters alone pay for wildlife through their consumptive use licenses. There have been some good ideas out there about this; people have floated the notion of a non-hunters duck stamp, for instance, but those have yet to really take off.
Perhaps it’s because non-hunters wouldn’t get anything tangible for their money. Sure, they could bring back a photo or wonderful memories of the amazing wildlife they saw at a quiet slice of heaven preserved for the wild non-human species of the Earth. But how does that really compare to the kind of meaty trophy a hunter takes home with him? (Sorry, or her; I keep forgetting that women are now being lured into the blood sport.) Hunters can pet and fondle the bodies of their dead victims, and even ingest certain parts they don’t plan to mount on the wall.
The only way a non-hunter can have such a tactile experience is if they can actually bring their “harvests” home with them. Granted, a human carcass doesn’t have the popular appeal of say, a mounted deer, elk, moose, goose, sheep or bear, but to the one who made that good, clean kill shot, it’s a symbol of their prowess and their mighty-yet-selfless effort to thin the hunter herd.
Fortunately, state game departments have given us a model to go by. State residents’ licenses would be kept at an affordable price, while out of state hunter hunters would have to contribute more to the coffers. Logically, someone would have to be hired to insure there were plenty of hunters out there to harvest; and who better for that job than the experienced wildlife “managers.” After all, they’ve been doing their darnedest to recruit more hunters for years now.
Tags for different breeds of hunters could emulate hunting tags for specific non-human animal species. (For those unsure of which sub-species of hunter they’re aiming at, watch for the post, “A Field Guide to North American Hunters” coming soon.) Obviously a tag for the average Elmer would cost less than a tag for a globe-trotting trophy hunter.
Since they’re among the most sadistic, and are the least likely to lay down their weapons and make peace with the animals willingly, out-of-state hunting licenses to hunt wolf hunters will hereby be reduced from $250 to $50. And wolf hunter tags for residents will be similarly underpriced at around $15, since the goal is ultimately to eliminate that breed altogether.
Exposing the Big Game 
What I wanna know is: Are you opposed to hamburgers?
I’m opposed to all animal abuse.
Oh, okay thanks.
You’re welcome.
Wait, you don’t drink Gatorade, do you?
No, I don’t drink anything made from alligators;)
Or beaver testicles….
What are you in kindergarten ? Nap time is over go back to sleep!!!!
Thanks Nancy. I was about to 86 him, but I think you saved me the trouble.
🙂
Hunters using the old “you eat meat defense” to somehow try and justify their serial killer ways, of murdering innocent animals…
No, I don’t hunt any. How about this K? I see so many of these bumper stickers around now– “Conserve Hunters, Harvest One Today”? Will gladly send you one.
Ok, talk to you on gmail.
Smile-n…this is excellant…shared // Glad that the wolf hunter tage are valued less than wolf tags…they are after uneducated fools with trigger itch.
and another article from Wisconsin to add to the NAFA link.. totally despise these fur sellers! [Officials find more than dozen skinned animal carcasses dumped in ditches in eastern Wisconsin] http://www.startribune.com/local/229863901.html …”Small animals like raccoons are often hunted or trapped for their fur, skinned and discarded, Stroess said. The practice doesn’t break hunting laws but people who dump carcasses face $263 fines for littering.
“This time of year it happens a lot. Now until the end of the year, a month after the gun deer season. We receive a lot of complaints about carcasses dumped in the roadside,” Stroess said.
He said there’s no limit on hunting raccoons, skunks and similar animals, but the bodies should be disposed of properly.”
One of my favorite fantasies is about me hidden in a tree with a .50 sniper rifle fitted with a foot long silencer doing nothing but taking out those worthless sadist animal abusers and killers. Of course filming it all and putting it on facebook. Ah, those dreams, if only…………….
I have such fantasies,too. Glad I’m not alone! Please sign me up for the first hunt!
Love it!
I’ve always felt repulsed by guns and bows and traps, but give me the right “game” and watch the metamorphosis.
I’ll take 5 tags please .Do you take MasterCard, Visa, and PayPal and when does hunting season start and how long does it last ? I need to clear my calendar !
All legal tender will be accepted. And don’t worry, the “game” departments will be sure you have hunter hunting opportunities on some hunter breeds year ’round. But hunter hunters may want to take a week or two off work during the peak Fall season.
http://www.mnn.com/earth-matters/animals/stories/hunting-group-auctioning-off-the-right-to-kill-an-endangered-black
Thanks, I posted that last week. Unbelievable.
I was planning to stay out of this, but…
I’m sure that one can work out rules on allowed weapons and seasons, but more importantly, one needs clear understanding of the scoring system. For instance, if I put a bolt through the heart and harvest the hunter while it’s sucking a beer, is that worth more than a bullet through the nose while it’s still in the pickup? Which is a better trophy, large girth or small girth? Will there be separate seasons for rack and rackless? Is a solid orange pelt worth more or less than a camo orange? For the so-called masked-hunter, is our trophy worth more if we place our shot through an eye-hole (it would be hard to miss the asshole), or should we strive for an entry and exit hole in the mask? Do we get points for young of the year, or should we just leave them for future generations?
On hygienic issues, is it true that when we field dress our harvest that we won’t have to worry about disposing of a gut pile as they are gutless, or is that just an old peta’s tale?
Perhaps I’m overly competitive, but as I have heard that hunter is rarely eaten, it seems we need a specific points-system to bring the value-add to our $15 tag. Otherwise, what’s the point?
Anyone is welcome to jump in and help make the rules; just be sure to keep it within the realm of good “Sporstman”ship (ie: “fair chase,” “traditional” methods and don’t be disappointed if you quarry gets away wounded and you come home empty-handed once in a while).
Reblogged this on Wolf Is My Soul.
yes, I’ll buy a few dozen but think I’ll forego the “trophies”…
Can’t wait to bag me an Elmer–or two!
Don’t forget to buy your tags first!
Reblogged this on Exposing the Big Game.
When I used to sell tags to the local wolf killers (and other hunters), they would ask me what it would take to make me hunt? I told them that I would be the first in line to buy a tag to hunt a hunter. Their jaws dropped to the ground.
I’d “mount” the di@ks instead of the ugly heads and donate the meat to the food bank, although I’m sure most of them would be diseased and not edible.
It’s a nice fantasy…but I would definitely have no problem hunting hunters. We are not a threatened species and managing them would be better for our environment and planet.
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