The hot iron is something right out of the Inquisition era. But while the Spanish Inquisition was a necessary evil to prevent heresy and extract confessions from witches, branding sea lions serves no real purpose. Oh sure, the modern day inquisitors will argue that the tortuous process helps them decide which individual sea lions are most responsible for the capital crime of eating salmon at the Bonneville dam upriver.

What you don’t hear them say is that sea lions have been eating fish for some 50 million years, ever since they left the land and evolved back into sea creatures. For the ensuing millennia, everyone got along just fine—until humans came by to fuck things up.

First, the humans strung nets and placed weirs out into the salmon’s migration path. Next they built canneries along the Columbia River; and while some people were busy killing off the salmon in droves, sealers…