Category Archives: humor

“Endangered” Hunter Auctioned off to Save Species

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Believing the spin that “hunters are an endangered species,” trophy-hunter hunting group, the Sahara Club, a conservation group dedicated to preserving the hunter herd for future generations of trophy-hunter hunters to harvest, auctioned off asuccessful anti-hunt chance to hunt an aging, expendable hunter to raise funds for their cause. Taxidermy services will also be awarded to the winning bidder. Proceeds will be used to enhance hunter habitat for the species known taxonomically as Homo huntsman horribilis and will go towards funding more logging roads to allow access for their trucks and four-wheelers, as well as building more conveniently located gas station/mini-marts, taverns and mobile home parks.

Biologists blame a long history of inbreeding for the decline in hunter fertility and viability. When asked about the ethics of hunting down and killing this unfortunate individual, a Sahara Club spokesman stated, “Overall I think it will be a good thing. While it may bad for this individual hunter, it is in the interest of conservation of the hunter species.” If the auction idea proves to be a success, the group plans to hold similar events for loggers, ranchers, commercial fishermen and other resource extractors also said to be endangered species by industry spin doctors.

Individuals chosen to be hunted down and harvested can thank the Safari Club for recently coming up with the idea of auctioning a rhino trophy hunt on an endangered black rhinoceros.

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(This has been another installment in EtBG’s “Headlines We’d Like to See.”)

 

1st Annual Coyote and Wolf-Hunter Derby!

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Whereas sport hunters in Idaho are currently holding a contest hunt on not only coyotes but also this year on an until-recently endangered species—gray wolves—with $1,000.00 cash prizes being awarded for the most coyotes and the largest wolf killed; Whereas a federal court judge denied an injunction by environmental groups to stop the killing and allowed the misguided atrocity to proceed; Whereas it seems anyone who wants to can declare a derby hunt on any species they see fit; Whereas turn-about is fair play and two can play at that game, we proudly announce the…

First Annual
2-Day Coyote and Wolf-Hunter Hunting Derby
Salmon Idaho
December 28th and 29th, 2013

Trophies and Prize Money to Winners
1st Place—$1,000. Wolf-Hunter Prize and Trophy (Largest male wolf-hunter, by weight/girth)
1st Place—$1,000. Coyote-Hunter Prize and Trophy (Most coyote-hunters bagged)
Door Prizes Plus
$10.00–$20.00 pots for Largest Male Coyote-Hunter, Largest Female Coyote-Hunter, Most Female Coyote-Hunters, PLUS Youth Prizes for 10-11 year olds and 12-14 year olds!
 Entry Fees
$20.00 per hunter-hunter
Brought to you by
Idaho for the Rights of Wildlife, true sportsmen against hunter’s “rights”

Jim Robertson-wolf-copyright

Cat Pee Potpourri

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For Christmas this year, my wife made me a wonderful plaid flannel bathrobe.

Unfortunately, one of the cats peed on it.

The cats were restless last night, since we’re visiting my mom, who also has a cat, and they don’t have the run of the place like they’re used to. At some point in the middle of the night, my wife had laid my new Christmas bathrobe over the boxes of presents we brought, which they felt personally entitled to. Her plan worked for the most part; they didn’t tear open any gift wrapping.

But, either out of frustration, or because they forgot where their temporary bathroom is, they decided to take a leak on the comfiest surface available—my robe. Fortunately for me, I discovered that shocking fact before sliding an arm through a kitty-drenched sleeve. Oh well, that’s why God invented washing machines.

Miraculously, the wrapped presents below fared far better, although the imported beer I got for my brother in law got a bit of a golden shower. Too bad for him he doesn’t read my blog, or he’d know which bottles to avoid.

The other unintended target was a bag of potpourri. The resulting combination, Cat Pee Potpourri—now a registered trademark—will soon be available at WalMarts everywhere.

If you can’t find it, check the closeout rack, next to the Duck Dynasty T-shirts.

Text and Photography © Jim Robertson, 2013.

Text and Photography © Jim Robertson, 2013.

 

Santa Grants Dying Child’s One Wish, Sends Hunters to Hell

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Jolly old Santa Claus used his in with the Man upstairs when he granted a terminally ill boy’s one Christmas wish. When the child told Santa all he wanted for Christmas was peace on earth, the kindly do-gooder intuitively knew where to begin to achieve this objective and asked, “How about if I get rid of all the sport hunters?” This pleased the1477971_417250565045005_342857083_n boy, so Santa (who has a soft spot for the innocents, like children and animals) put a finger to the side of his nose and sent the hunters straight to Hell.

So if the days seem quieter and the nights more peaceful now, be sure to thanks Santa Claus by setting out an extra glass of hemp milk and plenty of vegan cookies.

And any of you budding young “sportsmen” who got a new hunting rifle, Duck Dynasty tee shirt or entry into the Salmon, ID Youth Wolf and Coyote Derby for Christmas can thank your fathers when you catch up with them in Hell.

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(This has been another installment in EtBG’s “Headlines We’d Like to See.”)