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Category Archives: humor
Top TWENTY New Names for “Wildlife Services”
Thanks to all of you who contributed to this expanded list…
Top 20 New Names for Wildlife “Services”
20) U.S. Department of Nimrods
19) Federal Bureau of Elmers
18) Fuckin’ Neanderthals
17) Hunters with Badges
16) USDA: United States Destroyers of Animals
15) The “We Hate Wild animals and hate those who defend them” Agency
14) Federal Goon Squad– “If it’s breathing we’ll kill it”
13) Central Unintelligence Agency
12) Department of Corrupt out the Ass
11) WildDEATH Services
10) Wildlife Termination Services
9) Government-issued Animal Abusers
8) Goose-stepping Nazi war criminals
7) Seven Psychopaths
6) Biodiversitybusters
5) The Anti-Predator Project
4) A Bunch of Loathsome Cattle-Barron Butt-kissers
3) Chaos
2) The Animal Abolition Agency
1) Two words: Wildlife Disservices
Top Ten New Names for Wildlife “Services”
The U.S. Department of Agriculture’s “Wildlife Services” department needs to be renamed…again.
That warped, wretched little wildlife-killing agency formally “Animal Damage Control” isn’t fooling anyone with their innocuous appellation: Wildlife “Services.” Even the New York Times recently ran an editorial entitled, “Agriculture’s Misnamed Agency,” declaring: “It is time the public got a clear picture of what Wildlife Services is up to, and time for the Department of Agriculture to bring the agency’s work into accord with sound biological practices.”
Marc Bekoff dubbed the agency, “Murder Incorporated”—others have given it a less wholesome label. Hoping we would go easy on them, USDA representatives asked the staff of Exposing the Big Game (me, myself, and my wife) to come up with another new name for their Wildlife “Services” department. Here’s what we came up with:
Top Ten New Names for Wildlife “Services”
10) Wildlife Termination Services
9) Government-issued Animal Abusers
8) Evil Anti-Wildlife Nazis
7) Seven Psychopaths
6) Biodiversity Busters
5) U.S. Department of Nimrods
4) A Bunch of Loathsome Cattle-Barron Butt-kissers
3) Chaos
2) The Animal Abolition Agency
1) Two words: Wildlife Disservices
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A division of the:
If the Global Warming Doesn’t Kill the Humans…
I trust you’re all familiar with the Onion news, right? Good. In that case you’ll get it as you read my parody on the following “article” from
America’s finest news source, the Onion:
If The Heat Doesn’t Kill The Elderly, I Will
Jul 13, 2005
By Rudolph Milner
It is now high summer, and the sun is broiling the American Southwest, sending temperatures soaring upwards of 110 degrees. The heat has struck hardest among the elderly, dozens of whom have died of heatstroke, heat exhaustion and dehydration. If you, like me, are a right-thinking person, your mind recoils in horror at this fact: The old and decrepit are dying by mere dozens?
Fifty years ago, a heat wave of this magnitude and duration would have claimed the lives of hundreds, perhaps thousands of shriveled-up old codgers. The streets would have been littered with their withered carcasses. Unfortunately, this is no longer the case. By providing today’s elderly with unprecedented access to air conditioning and situating them in safe, supervised retirement communities, we have thrown Mother Nature’s natural-selection process completely out of sync. And don’t look for winter to solve the problem, either: Even more old people have heating than have air-conditioning, and more and more are getting it every day.
Like you, I had high hopes for this summer. Like you, I am deeply disappointed in the low death toll among the elderly…
Call me warped, but I have to confess I got a good chuckle or two from this piece of pseudo news. Still, as much as I envied the Onion’s ability to make light of a serious issue like human mortality, I felt they were unfairly picking on the elderly when it’s actually the whole of the human race who deserves lampooning. Therefore, in the spirit of fairness to decrepit old codgers everywhere, I’m going to hereby restate this piece and edit out all the ageist rhetoric in hopes it will come across a bit more senior-neutral:
If the Global Warming Doesn’t Kill the Humans…
It is now high summer, and the sun is broiling the American Southwest, sending temperatures soaring upwards of 110 degrees. The heat has struck humans by the dozens, some of whom have died of heatstroke, heat exhaustion and dehydration. If you, like me, are a right-thinking person, your mind recoils in horror at this fact: Homo sapiens are dying by mere dozens?
Fifty years ago, a heat wave of this magnitude and duration would have claimed the lives of hundreds, perhaps thousands of humans. The streets would have been littered with their carcasses. Unfortunately, this is no longer the case. By providing today’s humans with unprecedented access to air conditioning and situating them in safe, supervised communities, we have thrown Mother Nature’s natural-selection process completely out of sync. And don’t look for winter to solve the problem, either: Even more people have heating than have air-conditioning, and more and more are getting it every day.
Like you, I had high hopes for this summer. Like you, I am deeply disappointed in the low death toll among humans…
The Boss Hunting Truck can track down big game for big bucks
[This gives new meaning to the phrase,…]
by Alex Lloyd
When hunters need a vehicle for their excursions, the first choice tends to be a heavy-duty pickup — think an old Ford F-250 equipped with a viewing box on the bed, a few gun holders within, a beer cooler, and for the fancy even a camouflaged paint job. Parker Brothers Concepts, creator of pro-wrestler John Cena’s Incenarator from this year’s Gumball 300, decided to take that concept a step further, building what it calls The Boss Hunting Truck and billing it as “the luxury hunting truck of the future.”
If you want to hunt in opulence, (and who doesn’t?) the cost of this truck will set you back as much as a nice house. The Boss Hunting Truck starts at $200,000, but by ticking various options, it will quickly rise to $500,000.
Based off a Hummer H1 K10 Series, the Boss Hunter sports a tuned 6.5-liter turbo diesel meshed to its four-wheel drive system. Inside sits an abundance of leather with “The Boss” decals and a custom steering wheel. Five monitors for six external cameras are equipped, along with a CB radio and internal gun holsters with additional storage for ammo. The shop will also add a drone plane with iPad control and camera feed for “live viewing” of any extant deer, squirrels or chupacabra, if you so desire. Additional gun storage can also be optioned, as can a magnetically interchangeable exterior camo design.
…More about this slightly exaggerated version of the typical American sportsman’s war wagon here: http://autos.yahoo.com/blogs/motoramic/boss-hunting-truck-track-down-big-game-big-212333552.html
How to Read My Blog Posts
Every so often I receive a comment from a reader who is clearly unfamiliar with my blog or style of writing. These kind of comments are usually from readers who have no idea that I sometimes employ extremist hyperbole or grandiose overstatement to make a point, and to counter all the hyperbole and overstatement coming from the other side (that archaic, yet officially endorsed, viewpoint that the primary value of wildlife in America is to provide cheap entertainment for anyone with a gun and an unwholesome urge to kill).
No doubt the confusion is due to a communication breakdown on my part or is in some other way my fault, but sometimes readers seem to completely miss the point of my post, trailing off on some tangent inspired by some line I threw in for comic relief, or for the sheer absurdity of it.
I know my humor falls flat sometimes, but if you find yourself thinking, “WTF? What’s he talking about now?” chances are it was meant to lighten the mood in some way. Yes, the things I write about are usually no laughing matter, but we can’t all be dead serious all the time, lest we eventually blow a hootie.
And while some folks use parentheticals to denote (“sarcasm intended”), I don’t want to take up the space with it, seeing as how so much of what I write is meant to be taken either sarcastically or satirically, except when it’s not. For entertainment purposes, I’ll leave it up to you to decide which is what, or when.
Exposing the Big Game 