Tag Archives: humor

Top Ten New Names for Wildlife “Services”

Posted on by
27

The U.S. Department of Agriculture’s “Wildlife Services” department needs to be renamed…again.

That warped, wretched little wildlife-killing agency formally “Animal Damage Control” isn’t fooling anyone with their innocuous appellation: Wildlife “Services.” Even the New York Times recently ran an editorial entitled, “Agriculture’s Misnamed Agency,” declaring: “It is time the public got a clear picture of what Wildlife Services is up to, and time for the Department of Agriculture to bring the agency’s work into accord with sound biological practices.”

Marc Bekoff dubbed the agency, “Murder Incorporated”—others have given it a less wholesome label. Hoping we would go easy on them, USDA representatives asked the staff of Exposing the Big Game (me, myself, and my wife) to come up with another new name for their Wildlife “Services” department. Here’s what we came up with:

Top Ten New Names for Wildlife “Services”

10) Wildlife Termination Services
9) Government-issued Animal Abusers
8) Evil Anti-Wildlife Nazis
7) Seven Psychopaths
6) Biodiversity Busters
5) U.S. Department of Nimrods
4) A Bunch of Loathsome Cattle-Barron Butt-kissers
3) Chaos
2) The Animal Abolition Agency
1) Two words: Wildlife Disservices

__________________

A division of the:

USDA-Logo

The Boss Hunting Truck can track down big game for big bucks

Posted on by
5

[This gives new meaning to the phrase,…]

HNTSTK_1_2__66133_1314490481_1280_1280

 

by Alex Lloyd

When hunters need a vehicle for their excursions, the first choice tends to be a heavy-duty pickup — think an old Ford F-250 equipped with a viewing box on the bed, a few gun holders within, a beer cooler, and for the fancy even a camouflaged paint job. Parker Brothers Concepts, creator of pro-wrestler John Cena’s Incenarator from this year’s Gumball 300, decided to take that concept a step further, building what it calls The Boss Hunting Truck and billing it as “the luxury hunting truck of the future.”

If you want to hunt in opulence, (and who doesn’t?) the cost of this truck will set you back as much as a nice house. The Boss Hunting Truck starts at $200,000, but by ticking various options, it will quickly rise to $500,000.

Based off a Hummer H1 K10 Series, the Boss Hunter sports a tuned 6.5-liter turbo diesel meshed to its four-wheel drive system. Inside sits an abundance of leather with “The Boss” decals and a custom steering wheel. Five monitors for six external cameras are equipped, along with a CB radio and internal gun holsters with additional storage for ammo. The shop will also add a drone plane with iPad control and camera feed for “live viewing” of any extant deer, squirrels or chupacabra, if you so desire. Additional gun storage can also be optioned, as can a magnetically interchangeable exterior camo design.

…More about this slightly exaggerated version of the typical American sportsman’s war wagon here: http://autos.yahoo.com/blogs/motoramic/boss-hunting-truck-track-down-big-game-big-212333552.html

photo-1truckster

How to Read My Blog Posts

Posted on by
10

Every so often I receive a comment from a reader who is clearly unfamiliar with my blog or style of writing. These kind of comments are usually from readers who have no idea that I sometimes employ extremist hyperbole or grandiose overstatement to make a point, and to counter all the hyperbole and overstatement coming from the other side (that archaic, yet officially endorsed, viewpoint that the primary value of wildlife in America is to provide cheap entertainment for anyone with a gun and an unwholesome urge to kill).

No doubt the confusion is due to a communication breakdown on my part or is in some other way my fault, but sometimes readers seem to completely miss the point of my post, trailing off on some tangent inspired by some line I threw in for comic relief, or for the sheer absurdity of it.

I know my humor falls flat sometimes, but if you find yourself thinking, “WTF? What’s he talking about now?” chances are it was meant to lighten the mood in some way. Yes, the things I write about are usually no laughing matter, but we can’t all be dead serious all the time, lest we eventually blow a hootie.

And while some folks use parentheticals to denote (“sarcasm intended”), I don’t want to take up the space with it, seeing as how so much of what I write is meant to be taken either sarcastically or satirically, except when it’s not. For entertainment purposes, I’ll leave it up to you to decide which is what, or when.

nohuntsign

Who Should Read Exposing the Big Game?

Posted on by
4

Imagine you’re a hunter and you just bought a copy of Exposing the Big Game to add to your collection of books and magazines featuring photos of prize bull elk, beefy bison and scary bears (the kind of animals you objectify and fantasize about one day hanging in your trophy room full of severed heads). This one also includes pictures of “lesser” creatures like prairie dogs and coyotes you find plain ol’ fun to trap or shoot at.

You don’t normally read these books (you’re too busy drooling over the four-legged eye candy to be bothered), but for some reason this one’s burning a hole in your coffee table. So you take a deep breath and summon up the courage to contemplate the text and its meaning. Several of the words are big and beyond you, and you wish you had a dictionary, but eventually you begin to figure out that Exposing the Big Game is more than just a bunch of exposed film featuring the wild animals you think of as “game.”

This book actually has a message and the message is: hunting sucks!

You don’t want to believe it—the notion that animals are individuals rather than resources goes against everything you’ve ever accepted as truth. But reading on, you learn about the lives of those you’ve always conveniently depersonalized. Finally it starts to dawn on you that animals, such as those gazing up at you from these pages, are fellow earthlings with thoughts and feelings of their own. By the time you’ve finished the third chapter your mind is made up to value them for who they are, not what they are. Now your life is changed forever!

Suddenly you’re enlightened and, like the Grinch, your tiny heart grows three sizes that day. The war is over and you realize that the animals were never the enemy after all. You spring up from the sofa, march over to the gun cabinet and grab your rifles, shotguns, traps, bows and arrows. Hauling the whole cache out to the chopping block, you smash the armaments to bits with your splitting maul. Next, you gather up your ammo, orange vest and camouflage outfits and dump ’em down the outhouse hole.

Returning to the book, you now face the animals with a clearer conscience, vowing never to harm them again. You’re determined to educate your hunter friends with your newfound revelations and rush out to buy them all copies of Exposing the Big Game for Christmas…

Or suppose you are a non-hunter, which, considering the national average and the fact that the percentage of hunters is dropping daily, is more than likely. Avid hunters comprise less than 5 percent of Americans, while you non-hunters make up approximately 90 percent, and altruistically avid anti-hunters represent an additional 5 percent of the population. For you, this book will shed new light on the evils of sport hunting, incite outrage and spark a firm resolve to help counter these atrocities.

And if you’re one of the magnanimous 5 percent—to whom this book is dedicated—who have devoted your very existence to advocating for justice by challenging society’s pervasive double standard regarding the value of human versus nonhuman life, the photos of animals at peace in the wild will provide a much needed break from the stress and sadness that living with your eyes open can sometimes bring on. As a special treat cooked up just for your enjoyment, a steaming cauldron of scalding satire ladled lavishly about will serve as chik’n soup for your anti-hunter’s soul.

So, who should read Exposing the Big Game? Any hunter who hasn’t smashed his weapons with a splitting maul…or any non-hunter who isn’t yet comfortable taking a stand as an anti-hunter. The rest of you can sit back and enjoy the pretty pictures.

______________________________________________________________

The preceding was an excerpt from the book, Exposing the Big Game: Living Targets of a Dying Sport.

It’s Okay to Laugh Sometimes

Posted on by
4

If it seems like some of the things I write sound rather facetious, absurd and/or almost humorous at times, it’s okay to laugh. I probably meant it as a bit of satire to break up the intensity of otherwise somber subject matter. 

I probably watched too much Monty Python’s Flying Circus back in the ’70s; I tend to see the glimmer of humor in the most serious of topics. Unfortunately people often don’t know when I’m kidding. Maybe I need some kind of sign to let them know when a chuckle might be appropriate. 

There’s a fitting Monty Python sketch wherein Graham Chapman is dictating to his secretary who writes down everything he says, including everything in between his dictation as well. He finally decides to put on a set of fake antlers as a signal he’s actually dictating, taking them off for any asides, like “Don’t write that, I’m not dictating yet.” 

I wonder if I should devise such a system so you’ll know when I’m joking. Until I come up with something, just assume that whenever I say anything out of the blue (such as:  “In a biosphere rife with anthropogenic ruination, it’s hard for any bona fide misanthrope to avoid the lure of self-loathing;” “sometimes people can be conditioned to thinking they actually enjoy things that should be unsettling to their senses, such as a burst of firecrackers or a Ted Nugent concert;” and of course, the complete text of “How the Grinch Stole Hunting Season“), it’s safe to assume I’m kidding. Go ahead and laugh—it’s good for your complexion.